I haven't had friends in years.
Nope. Not in real life or on the internet (I mean close friends that I'm in contact with at least once a week). I finally hit the "can't trust people" mark. I've had so many friends turn on me, even say they hate me, for reasons that didn't exist except in their minds. And this usually comes at a time when I need friends the most, during times of crisis in my life.
The problem is, I think, that I'm outspoken. One of my nicknames is "stupid cat" for a simple reason - I speak my mind. That's a bad trait for anyone nowadays if your opinions are not politically correct or mainstream. Typing on the internet isn't going to change anything when someone else's mind is already made up. But yet I feel that humanity can't be "that bad", and that maybe, just maybe, I can get someone to see the other side sometimes. I don't want to change people's minds, just have them realize there are valid points besides their own. It's not just a black and white world, a fact that you become painfully aware of as you grow older. And to do this I try to be eloquent (ha!) and cover all the bases. I don't try to be rude, I do not try to "hurt" people or anything like that. I've been younger, yes, and in the past I've been prone to post my anger openly. I'm human, and things still make me furious.
I am also Bipolar.
Now, that's one of the best buzz-words there is nowadays. It's used so frequently that for me to say it here probably means nothing to you. I don't mean I have little ups and downs or I'm slightly depressed. I mean it affects my life severely to the point of not being able to go outside, drive a car, or work to support myself.
Imagine: I am 37 as I type this and have no outside world. I have no job because I can't deal with the world or people in it. I have episodes every day where I recall painful memories and feel them all over again. I suffer from mania (hyper irritability and moods) and depression (extreme lows where it's hard to even breathe). This affects my thinking ability - I can't give change for a dollar, say, because I have twenty things going on inside my head, all painful in some way. I can't concentrate on the real world because my mind won't let me. And if I somehow can focus, I'm paralyzed by the fear of "doing something wrong" and "ending up like last time".
That said, the last job I had ended the same as every chapter in my life does. People I thought were my friends pushed me out of my department and tried to get me fired, and the management thought I wasn't working hard enough. In my effort to try and prove I was worth something, that I really was trying my best, I injured myself for life. I seperated the muscles from my ribs on my left side and it hurts to this day (can't sleep on that side, can't drive, aches frequently, etc).
And why did all this happen? Because a co-worker heard me say, out of context, "I'd rather work alone". She thought I was being a bitch and directing it personally at her. This after spending time with her, giving her kid (I dislike kids, by the way, in general, and hers was a brat) a couple hundred-dollar tickets to Great Flags and toys I had left over, funding her if she didn't have enough money for stuff, covering her drugged ass when she was high at work and not reporting her for it... and more. She hears one damned sentence and instantly I'm the Worst Person in the World. I haven't a clue why - and I tried to apologize to her as well, thinking that if it hurt her somehow, apologizing would help. She said "apology accepted", but once again she lied. Work became more hell than it ever was after that point, for now she "hated" me - trying to prove I was sloppy, that I didn't do enough, that I should be fired. Me! She comes to work drunk and stoned to boot (a lot) and I should be fired?!
Further back, a bulletin board system I had was running great. We were all pals, even met up with some of the people in real life. It was so much fun, but as my life became worse off the internet, my "friends" became controlling and hurtful. My fiance (at the time) wanted sex as rent payment because I couldn't work, and didn't care about me. So I turned to a fantasy world (and guy) that would care about me. Well, that was horrible in the minds of everyone and they wanted me to stop writing, thinking and drawing about him, although it was about the only thing in my life keeping me sane. I was going through a bad time with my illness because no one was supporting me, and it became worse as I did things online to the board I owned and the people there became convinced I was, once again, the Worst Person in the World. Let me state that to this day I am hurt by what occured, although the people that wounded me so deeply probably don't even remember or care what happened. I try not to be hurt, but my mental state is just that way - it won't let it rest. I think, "why? Why did they do this?"
I took off a forum because it didn't get any posts at all. That was the reason - I merged it into another because it never had posts, to keep the forum clean. Someone thought I did it to hurt them.
I didn't have an area where folks could talk about politics or religion, and I wanted such talk kept off the forums (we were an anime/rpg/fun chat board). I was once again a horrible person, and the well-known cry of "freedom of speech" came into play again and again. (Never mind that's a basic rule in almost every forum - you are not allowed to discuss sensitive topics on "just for fun" websites, and it will get you banned). I even created an area to try and cater to their demands, and they didn't care. I was still called "Hitler". For serious.
All the girls turned their backs on me and kept stabbing me every chance they got, even when I tried to be as nice as possible. Thus it was natural that I started chatting with one of the only people that was not cruel to me. It just happened it was a man. He was someone's husband, and the lady was not only insecure, she also "hated" me. So of course I was hitting on him, right? Throwing myself all over him. No. No, I was not, you idiots! He was talking nicely to me when I needed friends. You weren't being my friends anymore. That was why I was talking to him. I honestly didn't like him that way at all, and I am* mystified how these people kept escalating things when I wasn't doing anything wrong!
*The word "am" is not a typo here. I noticed I typed "am", meaning in the present, not "was", because I truly am still amazed at the way things went. It still doesn't make sense to me!
And so on and so forth. Go further back in my life and the kids threw stones at me in school. And worse.
So go figure - I don't trust people. But yet I have a desire to talk with and be friends with others. I'm just not very good at it because I have this illness and all these past memories of jarring incidents that occured. I haven't even mentioned others, because every time I get involved someplace I get popular and then the hate comes flowing in. After that, it seems like it's mostly just hate. I've looked carefully over statements I've made and opinions that started things, and they're not attacks at all. Nothing I say or do is intended to be a personal attack (like when I was cleaning up the forums so long ago). Folks get so butthurt so quick without considering that there might be a simpler reason for things.
What you think is "obvious" is not always so.
I left one site, disgusted at the Staff for treating the users like crap and actually changing rules to screw people (me being one of them). A person someplace else offered me to co-run a similar site with them, and I agreed. Instantly I was trying to "ruin" and "take down" the first site in the minds of many, because I obviously wanted it destroyed because I "hated" it. This was an actual statement from someone I once again had considered a good friend.
First off, "hate" is a ridiculous word. If someone murdered my family, I would be predisposed to "hate" them. I do not "hate" a website, or immature people that hurt me, attack me, on purpose. I am hurt by them, because I can't let go, and I try to forgive them. But although I may dislike them, I do not hate them. It is too harsh a word for these matters. There is more to life than selfish people that don't think of others.
1) So. I did not hate the site, I disagreed with the politics and some staff, especially the top staff (Admin, creators, global moderator of the forums).
2) It was "obvious" that this specific person would have wanted the site destroyed if they disliked it, so they thought I would. Just because you would, does not mean I would. I am not the same person as you.
3) I would have loved the site I was working on to become popular, but not for the reason to bring the other down. Once I left that other site, I put all my efforts into making the one I worked on good, not trying to hurt or destroy the other. (By the way it didn't work out, I left the site because of some bad management there before it even opened and my work was never displayed).
4) I still have an account on the site I "left" and I go there once a week or more. I just don't involve myself to try and make it better, because my opinions were rarely valued/trusted even in the beginning and the top staff dislike me. A lot of users remain friendly to me. But it is a hostile environment in general, so I don't chat in the main areas.
Phew!
I've since joined a community someplace else and am terrified of giving offense. But I'm slowly trying to get back into chatting with people a little more like I used to.
All of this makes my life sound terrible, I realize, and it isn't. Really. I have a wonderfully supportive and loving husband that is the best friend I could ever hope for. We have a home, awesome pets, great family. I've had my works published on the internet and off, am doing a nice hobby business on Etsy and have a great many good times in my life that I never considered possible. But when I have my "bad" times, these are some of the things that make it impossible for me to function. Today I had to sit down and share some of them. Hopefully, it gives an insight on what I am suffering to those that don't understand what being Bipolar means. Maybe, just maybe, it will make others think twice before coming to an "obvious" conclusion. Please think that maybe, just maybe, the other person has a point. Or maybe they're not as bad as you think. Maybe you're being influenced by others of a community, it's easy to go along when someone is "hated".
